


Come on!

by kyloswarstars



Category: Peaky Blinders (TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-27
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:35:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26140495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyloswarstars/pseuds/kyloswarstars
Summary: Vendetta had brought your family back to Small Heath for a while. As a Blinder you received orders from Tommy like everyone else did as well. Your current one: Keep eyes on Bonnie Gold. When you first heard those words you wouldn’t have dared to imagine this order would take a complete turn on you.Including major spoilers for S4 of Peaky Blinders!
Relationships: Bonnie Gold/Original Character(s), Bonnie Gold/Original Female Character(s), Bonnie Gold/Reader
Kudos: 11





	1. A Stranger

There was one rule you had set for yourself: Never. Fucking. Care. You did what you pleased. With anything, anyone, at anytime. Life was too short – perfect example: your brother John – to stick to someone else’s ideals or follow the law. Or, worst of all, society’s expectations.

Being a Shelby was innate. Being a Blinder was a choice. One your brothers may have disliked because you were together with Finn, the youngest Shelby, but… _you didn’t care._ The first time you stole a Peaky cap and caused havoc was thrilling. Who said only the boys could have fun? Yes, society. And what did you do about that? _Exactly, you didn’t fucking care._

You should probably care a little more sometimes as it would be good for your own health, but after John passed recently, that thought was thrown in the cut before put into reality.

Being back in Small Heath, due to the vendetta, didn’t automatically mean everything was back to normal. A lot of things were different. Your temper, boiling under your skin and making you want to destroy something, was the same as ever. It was fuelled by dismay over the grief that was still lurking. Every other day it dragged you into this black cloud. The strange thing was that it felt so soft, so easy to fall into it. And once you let yourself fall and started to grieve, it seized you tighter, not wanting to let you breathe again. Once you cried, you wouldn’t be able to stop. So, whenever you felt that grief creeping up on you, you harshly removed yourself out of this black cloud before you couldn’t stop missing John anymore.

One of the disadvantages of running away from your feelings: Your temper, this always hungry beast inside of your chest, asked for an outlet. Throughout the day this outlet came in the shape of boxing. Even as a kid you had imitated Arthur throwing punches whenever something was troubling you. The physical exhaustion numbed your thoughts. But in the nights, boxing wasn’t so easy. Punching air didn’t do shit.

Standing in your old room at Watery Lane, already having pulled every piece of clothing out of the wardrobe and the pillow cut open, feathers flowing around the room, you took a look in the mirror. The way you viewed yourself was normal to you – you knew it wasn’t how most of the others viewed themselves, though. You just didn’t care at all for your appearance. The time people spent with worrying over their appearances was just wasted lifetime to you. What did it matter how you looked in the end? Everyone dies no matter what you look like.

 _Dead. John is dead._ Tiny black clouds were reaching out for you, trying to make you sit on them and carry you into their nightmare land. _Not with me._

Not being able to throw your fists into a punching bag, you closed them around the scissors you found in a drawer. In the rush of letting out air, getting free of that intense feeling of being trapped, you didn’t care at all when you took the scissors and started to chop your hair of – strand for strand.

All of the cut hair gathered at your bare feet, tickling between your toes. With every trim your breathing returned to a steadier rhythm. The mess on your head, when the scissors couldn’t cut anymore hair, didn’t allow you to fully settle yet. Opening the door and glancing into the hallway, none of your siblings seemed to be awake – every door was closed but one. You rushed to the only door being open: John’s old room. And indeed you found an old bar of shaving soap and brush in his bedside cabinet.

Picking up your knife, which had been laying on the floor with your shoes, you soaked the shaving brush in some water, swirled it over the soap and applied the rising foam on the remnants of your hair. It was the first time ever you felt a blade being pushed over your head and it was great. You could almost hear every single hair being relentlessly shaved off. The thoughts wouldn’t leave your brain faster, without hair in the way, but you were finally able to fall asleep now, once you were done shaving your head.

**/////**

Sun was just starting to rise outside, meaning you didn’t sleep _that_ long, but at least a little bit. Throwing on some pants and a shirt, you grabbed your bag and cap after brushing your teeth.

The betting shop was still quiet but that would change soon. You planned on being out of the house by then.

Arthur was sitting in the kitchen, having some breakfast and sipping on his tea. When he saw you coming in, he choked on a sip. Crashing the cup down to the table, he coughed it out, looking at you in shock. „Y/N, what the fuck happened to your hair?“

„It’s gone,“ you shrugged.

_„Yeah, I can see that.“_

„So… then you know what happened,“ you teased and grabbed a slice of bread, making your way to the door.

„Nah, you’re ain’t going nowhere.“ Arthur got up and pointed over to the betting shop. „Tommy has an order for you.“ A small chuckle escaped him. „And I’m gonna go with you to see his reaction on your baby head. Can’t miss out on that.“

If you cared you would’ve hit him for saying you looked like a baby with the bald head but you really, really didn’t care. It was the awaiting order which you cared about. You just wanted to leave for King Maine’s, not being bothered with a job to do first.

When you entered the office, Tommy didn’t look up. Only when you reached his desk did he spend a second on diverting his eyes from papers to Arthur and you. For a moment, Tom’s eyes were fixated on your head, you knew because they were looking to high up for the goal being your eyes, but he didn’t care. Just like you.

„New order, Y/N. Keep an eye on Bonnie Gold when you’re at the boxing hall. Need to know how he’s keeping up.“

Bonnie Gold? The guy who had shot a man at John’s funeral, rode by with his father on a horse and later killed another Italian, one of Changretta’s men? „I’m not a fucking babysitter, Tom.“

„You’re not. You’re my messenger. So go do your work.“

„Even worse,“ you muttered under your breath, but that was how Blinder business worked. You did as you were told.

Leaving Watery Lane before anyone else could stop you, your excitement was slightly impaired. King Maine’s was your hiding spot where you went to when everything got too much. You punched your thoughts out, your grief and also your fucking heart because some days even feeling it beat in your chest seemed to be too much to take. All you could hope for was to have some peace before he would show up at King Maine’s. 

That wasn’t the case, though. Bonnie Gold was already there. Of course he would be.

Your immediate reluctance to ‚keep an eye on someone‘ faded as you entered the hall and stood there, watching him for a minute. It wasn’t even eight and Bonnie was already sweat-soaked, fully invented into mauling a punch bag. That was some dedication right there. 

Leaning on a pillar and still observing him, some of the other boxers greeted you silently. For a long time you were visiting King Maine’s now and never has there been any strange glances or lewd whistles. Perks of being a Shelby probably.

His fists slowed down. Bonnie placed some final punches then let go of the sandbag, went over to a bench, and grabbed a bottle. While he was drinking he looked around and eventually spotted you.

You didn’t hide you were watching him. Actually, you stared right back in his eyes from afar. Until Maine shouted from the other end of the boxing hall to not distract the Gold boy. Cautiously regaining your balance, you grabbed your bag and went to change in this super tiny lumber room. It was your own personal changing room, provided by King Maine with some reluctance. But as a Shelby one of your brothers, if not yourself, always made sure you were treated the right way.

Starting your boxing session, your thoughts that had kept you awake all night until you chopped of the hair, were slowly starting to fade. You hit them right into the punch bag where you wished they would stay forever. From time to time you felt two eyes on your back. And whenever you turned around you stared back at those two eyes, Bonnie Gold’s eyes.

The first boxers who had come to King Maine’s studio in the morning were replaced by a few other locals by now. It were always the same guys here. Fellas, pretty loyal to the Shelby’s, and most of them trying to become a Blinder one day. But except for a handful they were just pricks, all mouth and no trousers. If you gave them a cap to cut someone’s eyes they would probably shit themselves.

By noon you had tired your lungs out, your clothes were soaked in sweat, and you granted yourself a minute on a bench before you would go back to Watery Lane for lunch.

Bonnie Gold was still there. He walked over to you when you started to unwrap the bandages on your hands.

„I know you’re supposed to watch me.“ His voice didn’t sound like you had expected it. It was calm and almost a little teasing. 

Only looking up for a second, you turned your attention back to the bandages. Untangling them was a profession you still hadn’t managed after all those years. „A strange way to start a conversation with a stranger.“

„You’re not a stranger.“ He sat down next to you.

 _I didn’t invite you to sit with me,_ you thought. „I never talked to you before so I would call _you_ a stranger.“ 

„Okay, then let me restart.“ He turned towards you and reached out his hand for you to shake it. „I’m Bonnie Gold.“

„I know.“ You didn’t shake his hand as a matter of principle. Strangers, even though he wasn’t _really_ a stranger, didn’t get body contact from you. Maybe during a training fight in the ring but not because society expected you to shake someone’s hand even though you rather liked to keep your personal space.

„See! You know who I am. And I know who you are.“ He didn’t mind you not shaking his hand; he only grinned at himself.

„Doesn’t change the fact you’re still a stranger.“ You rolled up the bandages, which you were finally able to wrap off your hands, and shot him a smirk. 

„A stranger you’re supposed to watch.“ Bonnie winked at you. „But Tommy gave me orders too.“

The question as to why he even knew you were supposed to keep your eyes on him popped up but you really didn’t care for that. „Well, there are two things you need to know, Bonnie Gold. First thing: Tommy gives out orders to everyone, including me. I may have gotten an order but the second thing is: I don’t do things, not even following Tommy’s orders, if I don’t enjoy doing them.“

„Is that so?“ His smirk still didn’t leave his lips. He seemed to quite enjoy this conversation.

„Indeed,“ you confirmed your previous statement, kinda playing along with this vibe.

Bonnie leaned over a little and lowered his voice so only you were able to hear him. „Didn’t your brother also tell you to stay away from dangerous men?“ 

Leaning in as well, mimicking him: „You think you’re a dangerous man? To me?“ This thought made you actually laugh out loud for a second.

„I killed men,“ he stated in all seriousness.

„So did I,“ you returned, enjoying the blindsided expression on his face. „I guess that equals it out.“

Bonnie Gold slowly found his grin again, stood with his hands up in surrender. „One point for you.“ He walked off but decided to come back once more. „If you’re willing to we should get in the ring together for a training. I think this could be interesting.“

Contemplating it, you stood as well, slowly backing up. „Tomorrow at seven. I promise I’ll go easy on you.“ Hearing him laugh at your words when you turned and left for the small lumber room, you had to grin again. Maybe it wouldn’t be that bad having to keep your eyes on him. He was kinda… cute.


	2. Training Together

Aunt Pol stared at you. No one spoke a word at the lunch table. When it was time for dinner, the silence slowly loosened up. After all, what were they supposed to do? Glue some of your hair back on?

You didn’t care for the hair and given that, they accepted to not care as well.

Tommy hadn’t shown up to lunch or dinner. The next time you saw him was the following morning at the breakfast table. And only because your sleep hadn’t been that well and caused you to wake up early again.

„How’s it going, Y/N?“

Knowing Tommy, he didn’t ask for your wellbeing, rather than the order he had put on you. „He’s a good boxer. He’s a fighter.“ Sipping on your tea and cutting the sunny side up egg into six pieces, you felt Tommy’s eyes on you, waiting to see if there was more. „He’ll serve your plans,“ you added.

He nodded and focused back on the papers in front of him. He was always scanning over papers or lost in his thoughts, planning his next move.

Taking your last sip and getting up, he did have a last word: „Wait.“ Stopping in your tracks you waited for whatever it was. He called for Isiah who came rushing in from the betting shop. „Get her to King Maine, Isiah.“

„Tommy, no. I’m the babysitter for Gold, I don’t need one for myself,“ you stated with hands on your hips. Directing your next words to your friend: „No offence, Isiah.“

„You do as long as the vendetta is still on the table.“ 

„This is Small Heath. I know my way around.“

Tommy finally let go of the papers and leaned back in his chair, wearing that unapologetic half-grin which had become so rare. „How did you even sneak out yesterday morning?“

Crossing your arms you returned a half-grin and winked at him. Since John wasn’t there anymore you missed having some lighter times with your siblings.

„Anyway,“ Tom went back to studying his papers and didn’t look up anymore when he put another order on Isiah. „Stay there till she’s done training. Not that she’ll get any stupid ideas.“

„Oh fuck off, Tommy,“ you groaned and left the house with Isiah following behind you

To be fair: being babysat by Isiah was just spending time with your friend. Yeah, sometimes Tommy thought you were only his little sister and not actually the Blinder you had proven you were. After all you didn’t really care. You forced Isiah to train some with you when you got to King Maine’s. He hardly held up with you.

„I’m too fucking tired, Y/N.“ Five minutes had him sitting on a bench already. „My night has been very short if you understand what I mean.“ Isiah wiggled his eyebrows and you threw a glove at him.

„Please spare me the details.“

„But–“

„Let's just make a deal. You can go take a nap in the changing room and I can train in peace. Tommy won’t even know.“

His eyes lit up. Isiah shook your hand shortly and left for the changing room immediately. „You’re the best, Y/N!“ He called before entering the changing room with a wave.

Laughing to yourself you picked the glove up and put it on again. You knew very well that Bonnie Gold, who had been there again when you arrived, had watched you and Isiah. For now, you didn’t feel like following Tommy’s order for today. For a good while you prepared yourself, punched into the sandbag, and eventually stepped into the ring with Harry, a guy you trained with on a regular basis. One of the handful who was not a prick.

Harry wanted to improve his left hook so that is what you focused on for the next hour. His right fist could break someones nose with the first try, the left one was still lacking power. Today he probably wouldn’t make a big change but still, he tried. 

„Can I take the next round with you?“ Bonnie had come up to the ring and leaned over the ropes. Harry and you just took a break to drink some water.

„Shouldn’t you train with someone who’s more experienced?“ You answered and looked at him with a hand above your eyes. The sun shining in through the windows was blinding you.

„Either you’re underestimating yourself or this is a trick question.“ Bonnie wore that relaxing smirk again.

„It is. And as I said I won’t go easy on you.“

With that Harry dismissed himself and made room for Bonnie. He climbed into the boxing ring, one of many at King Maine’s, and you wondered why Maine didn’t call you out to leave him alone like he did yesterday. But you didn’t care.

For a while you didn’t really know how to start. For you it was always difficult to train with someone new. You didn’t know how they behaved or what ticks and tricks they had and that drove you crazy. So you decided on taking turns with throwing punches and defence.

Bonnie Gold had a lot of force in his fists and he never seemed to get tired. Being in the ring with him brought you to your boundaries even though you were used to heavy training. Nonetheless it was a lot of fun. He was challenging and eager to show off his skills – even though he was still lacking some good defence. And at the same time he was very delicate about actually hitting you. He didn’t want to hurt you.

You going easy on him hadn’t been the case at all. Keeping up with him was impossible but, again, a lot of fun. You enjoyed it. And that was why you found yourself skipping rope together the next day. And him arriving at the same time at King Maine’s the following day, instead of being there already.

You held the punching bag steady when Bonnie hit it. He did it when it was your turn.

The sweat was dripping into your eyes but the session filled you with so much adrenaline you just couldn’t stop punching into the sandbag. Bonnie was observing every hit and cheering you on. „Come on!“ He yelled, in this super friendly tone.

Flying fists, a shaking body and almost no air left in your lungs. You collapsed against the punch bag and beamed at Bonnie.

„I think I didn’t tell you yet,“ Bonnie still held the sandbag in place and your faces were way too close to each other. „You’re absolutely badass.“

Breaking into a small laugh, you regained your balance and turned to the bench for your bottle, hiding that his statement left you way more flattered than you wanted to admit.

Those days at King Maine’s, training together with Bonnie, turned into weeks. Tommy’s order faded into the background the more time you spent with Bonnie. He was so easy to be around. He was energetic and honestly friendly, which was pretty rare, and at first you didn’t really notice, but those nights, where the black clouds wanted to take them with you, lessened.

He was so different from your family. Not once did he ask what had happened with your hair. Or how it was for you that John was gone. Bonnie didn’t ask further about any of the things you cursed about under your breath. He was waiting. Until you would open up yourself. He understood he wouldn’t get anything from you if you weren’t willing, weren’t ready, to share it with him.

After spending so much time with Bonnie you finally accepted calling him a friend. And that felt good.

Due to the vendetta still being very prominent, your brothers didn’t want you to be out in the nights, which you understood – even though, you were able to look out for yourself. But you understood. They didn’t want to lose anyone else and you didn’t want that either.

The threshold of the back door had become your favorite spot to take in the sunset at. Tonight Bonnie joined you. It was his first time at Watery Lane actually. You had just brought him with after finishing up training at King Maine’s. And no-one minded or questioned him being here.

The cup of tea in your hands was working wonders within the cold breeze. How the sky changed its colors before turning dark and revealing its stars always brought you joy. It let you drift off to all those beautiful memories that were made as a kid while being out in the nature.

„You know, I’m so glad to be back in Small Heath but I miss the woods,“ you whispered. „I miss the fresh air and the trees and the animals.“

Bonnie took a sip of his tea, then turned to you. „You can join me and my family for the weekend outside of the city. If you want to?“ His lips didn’t smile and his eyes didn’t glint. He was waiting if he went too far with his question. „I’ll watch for your safety.“

You didn’t care for your safety. Well, you somehow did for the sake of your family. You cared for this weird feeling that told you Bonnie could potentially sneak his way into your soul. Before John’s death you would’ve declined immediately, not risking to let someone close to you. But John was gone and all of your weird thoughts had increased even more. Bonnie had helped sooth them out a little, without even knowing he did or intentionally doing something. He just… was there.

So all you heard yourself say was: „I would love to.“


	3. Midnight Talks

Oh boy, had it been a struggle to get permission to leave the city. Tommy was immediately like _‚NO! The vendettaaaaaaaa‘._ Arthur ran around the kitchen like a mad cat, expected you to stay sat at the kitchen table as he gave a list of instructions on what not to do. Including not to smoke any of the weeds they might offer you or – and the even funnier one – get knocked up. To complete the protective trio, you imagined John sitting with you and just casually pushing a gun over the table. _‚You never know, kid‘,_ he said in your head.

It was Aunt Pol who tricked your older brothers into agreeing. You hadn’t asked her about it afterwards, but you could _feel_ that she helped you because she was craving the woods just as much as you were. „We can see how honest Aberama Gold really is. He will prove his sincerity by protecting her,“ she explained. And that worked because on Friday you arrived at the forest. Together with Bonnie.

Friday was the day where he introduced you to his sisters, his father – officially, because you had seen him before but that was rather business wise – and to all his relatives that were staying at the campsite. You had hoped to sneak away for a while and just stroll around, just be. You didn’t get a chance, though. Being the ‚new‘ one there, you were drawn into a conversation whenever you had ended the previous one. Later in the evening you found out that they speculated you to be Bonnie’s new girlfriend, which you denied immediately – exactly like Bonnie who sat next to you. It was a rather awkward situation but everyone just laughed it away – and found the two of you strongly unconvincing.

Saturday was when you were able to sneak away. Bonnie followed you. He scared the hell out of you when he jumped from behind a tree. „Didn’t think I would notice you leaving, hm?“ He had teased you. And again, you turned away because it was flattering. Usually people didn’t pay that much attention. Bonnie wasn’t like everyone else.

He joined you for a walk through the trees. You picked up small twigs, shared childhood memories and didn’t realise all of the memories you talked about had John in them. It wasn’t upsetting when you realised it. later No clouds were lurking. Just Bonnie who patiently listened and then shared one of his memories again.

Saturday night, just like the night before, Bonnie gave up his bed for you again and slept on the floor of his caravan. You had told him it wouldn’t be a problem for you to sleep on the floor instead. It was his bed after all. He insisted you’d take it.

„Y/N? Are you awake?“

His whisper was very quiet in case you were asleep. You weren’t. „Yeah,“ you answered. After sharing all those memories today and being fine with it at first, you had this weird feeling now. It was none of those you were used to. It was something else you couldn’t pin down and it was bothering you to the point where it was impossible to just fall asleep over it.

Bonnie got on his feet, wrapped himself in his blanket and grabbed another one off the pile at the end of his bed. „Wrap yourself in yours and follow me.“

You didn’t react first while trying to answer the question as to why you should follow him.

„Or are you tired and want to sleep?“

„No.“ Getting up and wrapping the blanket around your body, you followed him outside.

Not far away from his caravan, he spread the blanket on the ground where the trees were further apart. Laying down, you could see through the openings in the treetops and were greeted by the night sky and all its shining stars.

Bonnie laid down next to you with his arm touching yours. The blankets were still between your arms but it felt way too close. Also way too good to move away, though.

„You do this a lot?“

„I think I don’t because every time I lay down here, I’m blown away all over again.“ His voice was as quiet as back in the caravan. Something about his voice being so careful and relaxed made you feel warm. „Are you having a good time, Y/N?“

„I am,“ you smiled. When you turned to your left you saw Bonnie staring at you. How long had he been looking at you instead up into the sky?

„I’m glad to hear.“ Somehow, it was impossible to return to the night sky. His face, illuminated by the full moon, felt more intriguing to look at right now.

That’s when this strange feeling hit like a horse’s hoof in the face. It made you question why you were even here. Why you had accepted his invitation. Why did you bring a potential vendetta target, you, here to Bonnie and his family? _Are you fucking mad?_ He was way too good to be pulled into this. He shouldn’t have become a Blinder, his father should’ve never accepted Tommy’s deal.

You turned away from his face, sat up and stared back up through the treetops. „You do know this cap doesn’t come without burdens, right?“ Him being a Blinder, the chance of being used by Tommy if he needed an idiot to do god knows what, was unsettling. Or more upsetting. There was a lot you didn’t care about but Bonnie wasn’t part of that. You did care way too much for him. „Sooner or later you’ll die because you’re wearing this cap.“

This was another proof that you had let this come too far: He caught your sudden change of mood and it would’ve surprised you if he didn’t.

„Y/N, just like you, I make my own decisions.“ His voice was still relaxed, maybe even more so now to try calm you down. „I’d rather wear this cap, accomplish my dreams and die young than scrape a living without ever coming close to follow my dreams.“

„And you couldn’t have looked for someone else to help you with your dreams?“ Because if he had you wouldn’t have to care about if he got hurt one day. Or killed.

Bonnie sat up as well. „If I did… I wouldn’t have met you.“

„Bonnie.“ A deep sigh escaped your lips while your heart had problems to continue beating. You didn’t really know how to handle the conflict you felt right now.

„Did I say something wrong?“ He laid his head on his knees, watching you in the moonshine and was once again way too understanding and careful to do the right thing.

„You’re not doing anything wrong. That’s the problem…“, you admitted, finally looking at him again. 

„Why would this be a problem?“

„Because–“ _Yeah, why?_ „Because…“ Putting your thoughts into words wasn’t that easy. Why was it always so hard to form sentences? Why could you not just send your feelings and thoughts to someone else – if it worked that way misunderstanding wouldn’t be word in the dictionary. „My head is telling me that I’m not good for you.“

Silence spread. You couldn’t stop the thoughts repeating in your head that you should get the fuck out of here and slap Tommy in the face for making you keep eyes on Bonnie Gold. You were unable to estimate what was going through Bonnie’s mind.

He laid down again, arms crossed under his head. „I think you’re forgetting I’m a dangerous man.“

That caught you so off guard, it immediately made you laugh out loud. The exchange of the first day at King Maine’s together popped up in your brain. Never would’ve you thought Bonnie would have such an impact on you.

„Y/N, you said you don’t do anything you’re not enjoying. Sometimes you have to take risks for the things, or the people, you enjoy.“

„You shouldn’t be a risk taker. I don’t want you to get hurt.“

Bonnie tugged at your arm and pulled you down to lay next to him again. Facing his eyes, he locked with yours and keeping them fixed so you wouldn’t dare to look away again, you felt his arm move. His hand was searching its way into your blanket mess and when it found your hand, Bonnie intertwined his fingers with yours. „To be honest: at this point the only one who could hurt me is you. By backing away from me.“

_Fuck._ Your heart might just burst into a million pieces. But at the same time it couldn’t be true because it beat so rapidly in your chest. He did everything right. And that was the problem. How were you able to resist falling for him if he gave you the feeling that being unconditionally you was everything he wanted you to be? _No chance._

Grabbing onto his hand like life depended on it, you noticed Bonnie’s face slowly coming closer. If he was willing the risk to get hurt, you couldn’t deny him to make his own decision. And you could decide not to shy away from his proximity. And you didn’t. Not now.

His nose slightly brushed against yours, his breath hot on your face in this cold night. For all you had done before, nothing had made you feel that anxious before. Not, because you were scared of actually kissing him – you anticipated it – but what it would do to you. It would be impossible to turn around after it. Bonnie would conquer your heart and you wouldn’t be able to keep away from his kind soul that made you feel welcomed anymore.

„You can still get away from the curse Shelby’s bring on the people around them,“ you tried one last time.

„Just, shut up, Y/N.“ It was the first time he eagerly wanted you quiet. Because this time, he pressed his lips on yours. Not lightly, not delicate – his body moved closer to yours and his lips moved against yours like it wasn’t the first time they touched them.

It all felt strangely familiar and so fucking warm. Your free hand, because the other one was still locked with Bonnie’s, moved into his hair. He smiled, when your fingertips were caressing his neck. „Tell me, you enjoying this?“

You were hardly able to answer because Bonnie’s mouth didn’t really let go of yours. Somehow you managed a simple ‚yes‘ through it all. And it was you who had to smile next. You had never felt something so intense before. You didn’t really know how love would be but you didn’t expect it to be that way. And it to happen so fast. Falling in love with Bonnie had been easy.

Spending this night under the stars was easy. In his arms. With his lips on yours. Your fingers intertwined. It felt like you were at a place where time didn’t exist. You wished you could stay there for as long as possible. With him.


	4. The Fight

The night before Bonnie’s big fight. You shouldn’t be nervous. Bonnie was well prepared. You were still nervous, couldn’t fall asleep while he was laying next to you, completely knocked out. You spent the night at yours, at Watery Lane, so it would be easier to leave tomorrow. Your brothers weren’t too fond of Bonnie sleeping over but you didn’t care – that was something they couldn’t prohibit.

Your fingertips were itching to repeat the thing that made you sleep. After last time you had kept John’s old shaving soap and the brush. _Fuck it,_ you thought and crawled out of the bed as quiet as possible.

Grabbing the stuff and your knife, you left the room so Bonnie wouldn’t wake up and went downstairs into the kitchen.

This time it was even more satisfying. You had more experience with the blade on your skin and managed to not cut yourself. The short hair that had grown back was soon gone. When you washed away the loose hair over the sink, that had stuck to your skin, and let your fingers move over your bald head, it felt incredibly relieving.

You took a deep breath. The image of yourself in the window, illuminated only by the candle you had lit, was something you still not cared for yet. This time, though, with the relief came also a tiny smile. You felt comfortable and ready to go to sleep.

**/////**

Waking up to Bonnie’s fingers stroking your head was nothing unusual anymore. You still didn’t get completely used to it yet, though. Especially not with the clean shave. The skin was maybe still a bit sensitive but it didn’t lessen that you liked his touches.

„Good morning.“ He placed a kiss on your head and then another one on your lips.

„Are you ready for tonight?“

„As ready as someone can be.“

You didn’t doubt that.

The time rushed by once you got up. Everyone was excited for tonight. Your hair being gone once again didn’t even get acknowledged through all the chaotic hectic. And sooner than you had even been able to comprehend, you stood in the changing room at the boxing venue.

Aberama made sure to unpack every supportive and motivational phrase from his memory to cheer Bonnie on. It was hilariously adorable to see father and son anticipating the fight so much.

When the time was finally there, you started to wrap Bonnie’s hands with the bandages. Maine finally trusted you enough with it. Ever since the night under the stars, you had spent every possible free minute together. By now you two were able to communicate with only exchanging looks. Your eyes flickered up every other second while wrapping up his hands to see when you had to tie the bandages a little tighter or looser, depending on how it felt for Bonnie.

Just in time when you finished up your work, your brothers entered the changing room. You stepped aside into a corner and watched them with your arms crossed. Finn smiled at you.

Arthur was directing his words to Bonnie. „Bring out that fucking tiger, eh?“

And proudly prepared by his father, Bonnie was ready. „Tiger is already out.“

You noticed a short, weird glance being exchanged between Bonnie and Tommy. Then your brothers left satisfied and Bonnie turned to shadow boxing.

The time was there. Some Blinders, who would walk guard, came in and were immediately instructed by Aberama. Grabbing Bonnie’s black cape off the hook, you walked over to him and held it open so he could slip in. He turned around and you grabbed onto the golden collar to drag his face down to yours.

Sharing a rather breathless and deep kiss, Bonnie’s lips curled into a smile when you parted. „I can’t wait to celebrate with you later.“ Placing another kiss on your cheek, his lips lingered next to your ear. „And even if I don’t win this fight – which I will – I’m already a winner. After all, I won _you_ over.“

„Stop that you lovebirds,“ Aberama shouted over from the entrance and gestured to come to him. „Get ready!“

Before you let Bonnie go ahead, you stopped him for a decent reply to his words. „If you take him out, I’ll promise to do the same to you later – just in a different way.“ You coaxed a smirk out of him. „Come on!“ Stepping aside, he walked over to his father.

Aberama and one of King Maine’s men led the way, followed by Bonnie in the middle, you behind him and Blinders after you.

The place was crowded and way too loud for your liking. The flow of the people pushed you right to the boxing ring where Goliath was already waiting with his companions.

You stayed at Aberama’s side. A quick look through the crowd showed you Arthur sat behind you, the girls in the first row of the other block. They were absolutely stunning tonight. Wearing super fancy dresses, hair all neat and makeup exquisitely applied.

Unlike them you wore your tailored suit. There had almost been a massacre for this suit back in the day. You returned home from your initial appointment to get your measurements taken. Tommy had asked if everything went alright, which it didn’t. They didn’t take your measurements for a suit since you were a woman. John had still been there, listened in on the conversation and it got his blood boiling immediately. Back then you had just become officially a Blinder and as one, you had asked your brothers for a suit, to fit the feeling. The massacre was prevented, due to a lot of death threats, and you got your suit.

Another glance through the crowd didn’t reveal where the fuck Tommy was but that didn’t matter anymore when the first round was opened.

Goliath immediately sent out some forceful punches, Bonnie just endured them. No blood was spilling yet. He made it out of the first round and Aberama immediately jumped up to ask him if everything was alright. You knew Bonnie was supposed to wait until the fourth round to knock Goliath out, so all you could do was wait.

During the first break Tommy finally showed up and sat between Arthur and you.

When Aberama came back to his seat, you locked eyes with Bonnie for a moment and nodded. He returned a single nod. _He was alright._

In the second round Bonnie had to take considerably more blows causing the first blood on his face. He didn’t really fight back, just tried to hold up his defence, which he had worked on so hard, and waited just like you for the round to be over.

The third round was a little better. He risked more but suddenly Goliath’s fist hit right into Bonnie’s face, sending him to the floor. Aberama and you simultaneously jumped up and over to the ring.

Aberama was shouting his name to get his attention. „You okay?,“ he asked his son.

Bonnie propped himself up on his fists, looked at his father and winked at him. For a second, his eyes moved to yours and he flashed a smile. He got back up and continued the fight – or rather: got more beat up.

„Y/N!“ The girls were calling your name, waving you over to them. You didn’t want to divert your attention from Bonnie to them but they didn’t stop shouting your name so you went over.

„What’s up?,“ you greeted them, quickly placing a kiss on Ada’s cheek, she doing the same on yours. But all you got as an answer was chuckles and laughter.

Linda bent forward to grab your hand. „Y/N, my dear! You look so good tonight. You’re probably the best looking Blinder. _That_ suit!“ She was laughing at her own words and you just stared at your sister.

„What the bloody hell is wrong with her?“

„Snow,“ was all Ada replied.

„Explains it.“

Seeing that there was not a serious topic as to why you were supposed to come over – other than your amazing suit of course – you turned back to the fight. 

You noticed two things: Arthur and Tommy weren’t there anymore and Bonnie was finally showing what he was really capable of. Rushing back to Aberama and getting infected by his cheering, you joined in with the shouting. Not many ‚Come on!’s left your mouth anymore, though, because Bonnie’s fists had sped up so fast, Goliath was flying to the floor and didn’t stand up anymore.

Bonnie’s left hook earned him the victory.

He broke into cheering and looked so damn happy when he put his fists in the air. Bonnie looked down, through the crowd, until his eyes found you. He beamed at you so brightly. The moment you wanted to get up to the ring, like Aberama did, a hand grabbed your shoulder and held you back. Tommy.

He dragged you close to him and whispered into your ear. „Arthur’s dead. Take Finn and Isiah and find the other man who’s been with Goliath. I shot one of them already.“

You stared at your brother in shock. _How could another one of your brothers be dead?_ The black clouds were immediately reaching out for you but you stepped aside. You looked around, saw Polly walking over to Linda. You saw Bonnie up in the ring, trying to catch your eye but all you could do was stare right through him. You noticed how he wanted to exit the ring through the ropes to get to you, he probably sensed something wasn’t right, but he got dragged back by Aberama. And you dragged yourself forcefully out of the shock.

Nodding to Thomas, you hurried over to Finn and Isiah. „Come with me.“ They immediately followed you. You didn’t know if they did because out of the three of you it had always been you leading. Or if they obeyed your order because they might have noticed you tried to suppress any rising emotions. You didn’t care.

Fighting your way through the cheering crowd, you waited to reach the entrance area before telling them.

„Arthur is dead.“

Both of them were looking at you like you must’ve looked at Tommy a minute ago. But you couldn’t consider Finn’s feelings right now, as hard as it was. „We have to find one of the men that was with Goliath.“

Taking the lead again, you guided them to the changing rooms. And ran right into the guy you were searching for in the hallway.

Without any hesitation you stormed up to him and hit him right in the face. He stumbled, fell to the ground and tried to sit up but stopped in his motions. He looked right into the barrel of your gun, you had drawn from your holster.

„Search him, Isiah,“ you ordered, so he did. Finn next to you aimed his gun as well, with some shaky hands.

Just when Isiah found something in the pockets and pulled it out, Tommy came rushing down the hallway. Isiah told him he found a wire but your brother didn’t even acknowledge it. He furiously beat and kicked down to the praying man to your feet. He repeated it for what seemed to take forever and you couldn’t blame him.

When he let go off him, he expected Finn to continue. He hesitated but managed to halfheartedly punch down to the guy with Isiah’s encouragement.

„Take his eyes, Finn.“ Tommy’s order was predictable, given you were the Peaky fucking Blinders. „Do it for Arthur.“ But you saw your little twin brother, saw how much he didn’t want to do that, how it was just not in his nature.

„TAKE HIS FUCKING EYES,“ Tom screamed.

All those feelings inside of you were threatening to rip away the little sanity you were still holding onto. The black clouds were lurking behind your back and all you could think of was John and Arthur. Them being gone. And your twin brother who was still there. You were the older one of the two of you, always took the blame if he messed up something. Always sorted out his problems. And you didn’t want him to suffer. Not now, not ever.

You would sort it out with Tommy later but for now… all you cared about was protecting one of the brothers you had still left, Finn – even though that meant disrespecting Tommy’s order.

You pushed Finn away, forced him behind you, grabbed your cap and knelt down before someone could stop you. Once again, you took a pair of eyes.

Tommy didn’t say a word, he just left. Seeing the business was done here, you went after him. Fighting your way back through the crowd, you reached the ring as Tom got up and fired two shots of his gun. He ordered to close the doors so no-one could leave. He really fucking aimed the gun at the crowd. And shot again.

You saw Bonnie being pushed into the far right corner of the boxing ring.

„My brother is dead.“ Tommy claimed the hall as if it was his. Each of his words were like knives stabbing into your chest. „Do you hear me? My brother… IS DEAD.“ His screaming was deafening. And it also unblocked the wall you had quickly built to do what had to be done.

With Tommy’s last words Bonnie found your eyes. And you… you just sank into yourself, barely making it to a chair, when the shock of losing another one of your siblings hit you with full force.


	5. Black Clouds

Another funeral. Another brother turning into dust. Were you supposed to get used to losing those you loved? Because if so you would never be able to.

This time, seeing another one of your siblings go, Bonnie was at your side. He stood next to you. He grabbed your hand and intertwined his fingers with yours when you flinched at the sight of Charlie as he soaked the wood under the caravan in petrol.

It was the same place where you held John’s funeral. It was the same people. It was the same damn black clouds floating behind your back and waiting for the perfect moment to come and get you. But that moment never came. Something else came. Rather someone else: Mrs. Changretta – holding a white flag.

She had the audacity to show up at Arthur’s funeral when one of her men had been responsible for his death. And Tommy had the audacity to not send her away – or put a bullet in her head which you would’ve preferred in that moment.

He lit the fire under your brother and not long after you’ve been shoved in a room with her, Tom, Pol and Finn. You stared out of the window, noticed Mrs. Changretta was talking about how the vendetta was won and they would take all of the Shelby businesses. Otherwise her son would kill all of your family. But their words seemed too far away. The window brought some daylight in but your vision was blurred. The black clouds were reaching out and you finally had enough of them. Resisting was hard and you didn’t have the strength for it anymore. Though, you didn’t have the strength to grieve as well.

You felt torn, just wanted to leave when Mrs. Changretta was finally brought out. Finn had already left, Tommy and Pol were already in a quiet conversation but he broke it off and you heard his steps hurrying after you.

„Hey, Y/N, stop it!“

You had avoided being alone with Tommy since the night Arthur died. 

That night Bonnie rushed out of the ring and tried to shake you out of your shock, but it must’ve taken him a good while until he was able to. Everything was a mess. You remembered him bringing you back home, that he undressed and laid you down in your bed. You were laying on your side, looking through him once again when he tried to wash off the blood on his body over the tiny wash bowl. He blew out the candle, climbed in bed and held you. You didn’t sleep that night. Instead of celebrating his victory, you buried yourself in his chest and listened to his quiet humming while he was rubbing circles on your back.

You had expected the clouds would intensify in quantity but they didn’t. What changed was the force they tried to pull you with them. So no, you didn’t want to face your consequences for disobeying Tommy’s orders back at the boxing venue. Now in the hallway, though, you couldn’t avoid him anymore.

„What did you think you were doing?“ Instead of him being furious he was almost compassionate. You wouldn’t fall for it, though. 

„I was protecting my brother after I just lost another one. It’s what siblings do. Protect each other.“

Tom’s face was a mystery and none of his expressions ever made sense to you. All he said was: „Finn has to become a man.“

„And you have to remember what it means to be a brother. So leave me the fuck alone.“ You had enough of this. He never told anyone anything about his plans, therefore his orders were hardly ever comprehensible for someone who wasn’t Thomas Shelby. He wanted Finn to grow up, even though he wasn’t ready yet to take that step. And you wanted Finn to be okay with the decisions he made – seemed like a dilemma to you.

The clouds fuelled your anger and before you would say anything else you’d regret later, you left for your room.

Bonnie was waiting.

You grabbed your bag. „I have to get out of here.“

He nodded.

Bonnie wasn’t in shape yet to go boxing again but he accompanied you to King Maine’s. There were not many people anymore, given it was almost nine in the evening. He was already at your favorite punching bag, waiting for you when you got out of your little lumber room. He silently wrapped the bandages around your hands, tied your gloves over them and then steadied the sandbag as you started hitting it.

His face was still a bit swollen, the cuts were finally closed and didn’t look that intimidating anymore.

You didn’t look at him when you rammed your fists into the hard surface. All you wanted was for the clouds to go away but they didn’t. Your thoughts didn’t decrease. Everything that had happen, the burden you were carrying no matter what – the clouds were coming, gnawing on your skin and your fists couldn’t push them away anymore.

You stopped boxing and let yourself flop on the floor sitting. You gave in to the clouds. Running away was always only a temporary solution.

Bonnie sat down next to you when he realised you wouldn’t stand up soon. Within his presence you felt safe enough to let go, fall into the clouds and wait for the tears to come. You stared at him with your vision slowly getting blurry. Maybe that moment had been inevitable. After John died there hadn’t been a moment like this because you ran away from it. To suffer through losing someone was something you must’ve known you weren’t strong enough for on your own.

Bonnie was there. He dragged you into his arms when the sobbing started. And only let go when Finn came into the boxing studio to take your ass home.

**/////**

As always, you didn’t know the plan. All you knew was that Tommy wouldn’t surrender so easily. So there must be a plan you didn’t know of and which would save all of your asses. Otherwise he and Polly wouldn’t have been so calm when Finn and you followed them to the gin distillery.

You didn’t sleep at all last night but there hadn’t grown any hair back yet you could’ve shaved off. Thinking back at it now, you didn’t even need to shave your head again to feel better. Recovering from falling into the clouds with Bonnie at your side had been enough.

Luca Changretta and his men arrived. They spread some papers on the table, searched you and took your guns. He wanted Tom to sign over the businesses but your brother didn’t move.

It seemed that Luca Changretta didn’t have much self-control because it didn’t take long for him to push the papers off the table and tell Tommy to sign them on his fucking knees. He did kneel down. And then pulled the shit he always did.

When Tommy told him that big always fucks small, and he found people who wanted to take over the Changretta’s businesses in New York, it slowly dawned on Changretta that he perhaps could take Sabini, the Titanics and even Alfie Solomons, but not the Shelby’s.

He fully realised how fucked he was when Tom told him his people had new orders because obviously Luca Changretta wasn’t the highest bidder anymore.

Changretta pulled his gun but your brother pushed it away. They started to hit each other. You always forgot how incredibly ruthless Thomas could be once he started throwing punches. He shoved Luca Changretta into a table full of empty bottles and repeatedly forced his body down into the shards.

Some people entering the distillery distracted you from the rather unpleasant image of Changretta’s cut up face.

When you turned your head and saw _who_ had entered the room, you reached out for Finn next to you and dig your fingers into his arm.

Arthur. Your brother Arthur. He was dead. You burned him. And now he was standing only a few feet away.

You turned to look at Finn – being the twins you were, you most likely had the same expression on your faces, looking each other in shock and trying to comprehend as to how Arthur could be here. You simultaneously turned to your dead-not-so-dead brother again.

Tommy pulled Changretta up as if he had expected Arthur to come and finish him off. Sure, Tommy knew. And Polly – _that_ was why they had been so calm. 

Arthur ever so slowly aimed his gun at Changretta and gave him a bullet to the head which exited his brain on the backside and made its way to the barrel behind him. The body sank to the ground and got soaked in gin.

Tommy had some last words for the men and then Arthur ordered them to leave.

Just like he hadn’t been dead – which he obviously wasn’t but your brain couldn’t comprehend that yet – Arthur’s voice was strangely calm. „Tell your boss what you saw here today. Tell him… you don’t fuck with the Peaky Blinders.“

Never had you been so quick to throw yourself into Arthur’s arms. You wrapped around him and heard him coughing because you probably cut off his air – it didn’t stop you, though.

„It’s alright, kid.“ He gently petted your back but didn’t break the hug. Finn threw his arms around you and Arthur as well and now squeezed the air out of both of your lungs.

Black clouds had made you give in and grieve for John and Arthur and now one of them was back. The mess in your head was real. Tonight you needed more than one drink, that was for sure.

**/////**

So, Tommy launched a family party at Arrow House. The vendetta was done. Last time the whole family was at this place hell broke loose but now, you were at a ‚happier place’, to go by Tommy‘s words. 

He raised a toast and everyone was raising their glasses. Bonnie stood across the room and you looked at him. He was holding out his glass into your direction. You nodded. He nodded back.

Arthur took over the word but you didn’t really listen. You noticed he suggested Tommy should go on holiday and put his feet up, your eyes and thoughts were fixated on Bonnie, though.

You sat with him during dinner. Right after everyone finished eating you snuck out into the huge backyard of Arrow House. It was dark, the moon only a small crescent. You dragged Bonnie along.

„Where are we going?“

„I don’t know, Bon. I just want to run!“ You started to run in the same moment and didn’t stop until you reached the first trees. Collapsing next to each other on the damp grass, Bonnie still had your hand in his.

Your breathing, trying to get back to its normal rhythm, filled the nocturnal silence. It was just like the night on the blanket as you laid there on the grass. When you finally admitted to those feelings you had for him. When you realised it was love.

You still couldn’t believe the plan Tommy had went through with. And Arthur _not_ being dead. When they explained it all, the immediate wish emerged that John’s death should’ve been only a farce as well. 

Your mind took you back to the night of Bonnie’s fight. Finn had took you aside tonight, thanking you for doing what he couldn’t do that night. The shock when Tommy had shot in that hall tried to creep back along with the black clouds. But something else, something more important to you right now, took over your thoughts.

„Bonnie.“ You rolled on him and tried to see a little more than nothing of his face. It took a good minute until your eyes got used to it and you could figure out where his eyes and his lips were. „We didn’t celebrate yet.“

„No, we didn’t,“ he confirmed.

„I promised something.“

„You did.“ You couldn’t see it but by the tone of his voice you knew he was smirking.

„Come one!“ Getting back on your feet and pulling him up, you ran back to the house together and sneaked your way up to your room. You kept your promise. 

And Bonnie made a thousand other ones while you laid awake until the next morning. He would always hold the punching bag throughout your session. He would always treat you the way you deserved to be treated. He would always be there and fall with you into the black clouds so he could pull you out if you couldn’t do it on your own. He would never stop loving you. And he would be there, for the rest of your life, to remind you that being unapologetically you was everything he ever wanted you to be with him.


End file.
